Preparing Emsley’s room before she came was one of the greatest joys for me during the pregnancy period. Picking out items for her, from clothes, to toys and to room decor really helped me connect with her future worldly presence. Every little item I picked out for her was so exciting and made me feel elated at the thought of her pending arrival. This time however, life is busier. With having a toddler running around, combined with juggling being a working mom, I find the time I have to sit, nest and prepare for baby brother is MUCH less compared to the amount of time I had to do that when I was pregnant with Miss Lace. In a lot of ways, I have struggled with that. To me, nesting and creating my baby’s nursery is what really allowed me to feel ready and excited for Emsley’s arrival. That being said, I never did feel like having her was really going to happen. Continue reading
I just want to start off by saying that I am fully aware that many people struggle with miscarriage as well as infertility. I am so incredibly grateful that I am able to conceive and on top of it all, naturally. I don’t share my story of miscarriage as a means of looking for sympathy. I share it in hopes to inspire and encourage others. When I was going through my miscarriage I looked at blog posts and Instagram pics for this same encouragement and sense of hope. It was a means of gaining understanding, not feeling alone but mostly feeling encouraged that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Upon my searches I read many heartbreaking stories of woman who lost babies further along in their pregnancies as well as immediately after their baby’s birth. My heart literally broke for them and it still does. I can’t imagine how hard that would be. This might sound inappropriate, but if I had to have a miscarriage, I am happy that it occurred so early on in the pregnancy. Because as any woman who has been pregnant knows, each passing day, week and month you become more attached to that baby growing in you as your body begins to grow with it. The loss of a baby brought on many emotions and one of the hardest parts I found was the sense of loss related to the expectations, future plans, thoughts and daydreams, so I can’t begin to imagine the pain you would feel being further along. I hope that I don’t ever have to experience another. At the same token, I don’t want to minimize the loss that I did experience. The loss of any baby or child at any stage is awful. I can’t help but wonder what the gender was, what he or she looked like, when they would have been born, what they would have been like, etc. June 7, 2017 was our baby’s due date. And even though I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with my third baby, the ‘what would life have been like thoughts are always present.
Well as I’m sure most of you saw on Instagram, we are expecting!!! Our little bundle is due to arrive end of October and we couldn’t be more thrilled! This first trimester has been very different than my first trimester with Ems so I thought I would do a little first trimester update comparing the two.
Well, it’s been exactly one year ago today that I peed on a stick, only to see a positive symbol appear. I remember it like it was yesterday. After experiencing a very early miscarriage the month prior I had read online that many women who had experienced the same thing had become pregnant the month after. Normally I would be someone who was totally consumed with excitement and thoughts of the possibility of becoming pregnant that I would be counting down the days and hours until I could test (like I had been the month prior). However, in this case we had just moved into our new home not even a week prior and I was so busy with unpacking and decorating that the thoughts of pregnancy were far from my mind. We toasted with champagne to our new home the day we moved in and indulged in our favourite combo of cheese and red wine a few days later. My husband had left on the road for work that Monday and I was left alone in our new home for the workweek.
I heard the song, “What I Never Knew I Always Wanted”, by Carrie Underwood this past week for the first time and it instantly brought me to tears. There isn’t often that I can completely relate to an entire song. Sure, there are times parts of a song’s lyrics will touch me or connect with me for whatever reason but in this case the whole song immediately resonated with me.
My initial feelings when Emsley was born were shock and disbelief. I truly couldn’t believe that I was a mom. I remember the nurses placing her on my chest and instead of looking at her, I turned to look at my husband with wide eyes and an open mouth. I couldn’t believe there was a tiny human on me. Even though I had carried her in my belly for 8 and a 1/2 long months, it was still such a strange thought to me. I remember thinking, “this belongs to me?”, “SHE belongs to me?”. These thoughts lasted for quite some time, even after we came home from the hospital. I would regularly hear people refer to me as a mother or to Emsley as my daughter but it constantly felt as though they were talking about someone else. People would often ask how I was adjusting to my new role as a mom, but I never had much to offer in terms of a response. Looking back now, I think it was because I didn’t really believe that she was here to stay, that she was really mine to keep.