Well, it’s been exactly one year ago today that I peed on a stick, only to see a positive symbol appear. I remember it like it was yesterday. After experiencing a very early miscarriage the month prior I had read online that many women who had experienced the same thing had become pregnant the month after. Normally I would be someone who was totally consumed with excitement and thoughts of the possibility of becoming pregnant that I would be counting down the days and hours until I could test (like I had been the month prior). However, in this case we had just moved into our new home not even a week prior and I was so busy with unpacking and decorating that the thoughts of pregnancy were far from my mind. We toasted with champagne to our new home the day we moved in and indulged in our favourite combo of cheese and red wine a few days later. My husband had left on the road for work that Monday and I was left alone in our new home for the workweek.

It was Wednesday evening at around 9:00 p.m. and I was about to relax after spending the evening unpacking. I recall sitting on the edge of our stacked mattresses on the floor of our guest room, tired and mindlessly petting the cat. All of sudden the thought that maybe I should have my period popped into my head. It was a random thought; completely out of nowhere. I truly hadn’t thought about it since we had moved in or counted my days prior to that exact moment. I instantly checked my calendar in my phone to realize that it was a few days over four weeks. I had some pregnancy tests at home from the previous month so without over analyzing it (which I always do!) I strolled into the master bathroom, grabbed one and squatted. I put the cap on, placed it on the counter face down and put my phone timer on. The two minutes passed quickly as I again pet the cat on the floor. I wasn’t nervous or consumed with thoughts; I was focused on the cat (once again, this is so not like me!). I then remember the timer going off and me flipping the stick over, feeling no butterflies or anticipation. I saw the plus sign staring back at me and instantly the feelings I hadn’t been experiencing consumed my body. I felt like I had the breath knocked out of me. Feelings of butterflies and excitement filled me, I felt as though I was falling from a ten story building. I was shaking. I quickly realized that this plus symbol likely meant that I was pregnant. Unsure, as I had never used the test before, I scrambled, thinking that I could have been studying the instructions during the two-minute wait. Almost immediately I was no longer calm as I panicked looking for the box, which apparently I had already thrown out. I then quickly grabbed my phone to Google what this plus symbol could mean. I fumbled my phone, dropping it on the counter, hands shaking and body trembling with anticipation. I finally found the Clearblue website, clicked the instructions and scanned them to find the symbols. I saw the plus symbol on the page and right next to it, the word pregnant. I couldn’t believe it! It felt as though I had won the lottery. Tears started streaming down my face and I literally jumped up and down for joy! 

To backup, I had struggled with some health issues and had been told by doctors that becoming pregnant might present as a challenge for me. They didn’t say that I wouldn’t necessarily be able to get pregnant but that it might take some time before I did. I was in complete shock at how this could be the case so soon.

Then it hit me. Why did I do this? No, not why did I get pregnant, that I was still completely happy with but why did I let myself test?? This was Wednesday evening and my husband wasn’t to be home until Friday at around 10:00 p.m. How could I keep this in, all to myself for forty-eight hours?! The thought seemed impossible. Some people were surprised by this and asked why I didn’t tell him immediately on the phone or why I didn’t share the news with a friend or family member in the meantime. I knew that I wanted him to know first and that I wanted it to be special; a moment for us to share together in person. I went to bed that night excited but shocked and in total disbelief. I decided that I would re-test again in the morning with a different brand of tests to ensure I got the same result again. I did, and once again I was greeted with a positive response. I got to work feeling giddy and excited. I instantly called my doctors office and scheduled an appointment for the next day so I could have someone else affirm that this news was in fact true. I remember telling the receptionist the reason for why I was calling and her reacting in such a positive and excited way. I hung up the phone thinking how neat it was that she was the only other person that knew my secret.

I attended my appointment the next day to find out that I had to wait one week for the results as blood work is sent away. This was extremely disappointing as I figured I would have the results within the day. Waiting a week to find out seemed like an eternity. My doctor also suggested that I could still be testing positive from my previous miscarriage and to not get my hopes up in case my hormones were still elevated from that experience. Well that news was a punch to my gut. I remember walking out slightly sad and deflated. I debated that day whether or not I should tell my husband, as I didn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing. In my heart I believed I was pregnant and figured that whatever happened we needed to experience it together.

I then spent that whole Friday evening driving around the city trying to find the perfect beverage as a means to tell my hubby this exciting news. It turns out that the first place I went to ended up having it (I learnt later) but I guess my short stature and extreme excitement worked against me as I missed it sitting on the highest shelf. I ended up looking many other places before finally locating it. I went home and filled our new bar fridge with it, eager and excited to show my husband what I had done for him. I picked him up at 10:00 p.m. that night, excited to get home to share my news. We had to make a pit stop at a friend’s house to drop off an item and I danced in my seat while we did so, excited to get home. Our friend’s house is in the same neighborhood as our favourite crepe place and my husband suggested we go in for a late evening snack before heading home. WHAT?? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t believe him. He never wants to go out when he’s been out on the road all week; he typically can’t wait to go home. Especially in this case since our home was brand new and he had only slept in it for a handful of nights. It made no sense?? How could he not want to race home? I tried to persuade him but he wasn’t having it and I knew if I full out disagreed to this plan he would be suspicious. I wolfed down my strawberry banana Nutella crepe, ready to get home.

We walked in through the door of our garage and passed our mini fridge. I excitedly told him that I had filled the fridge with one of his favourite beverages while he was gone. He glanced down at the glass door and said, “Oh thanks.” That was it? A mediocre thank you is all I get? He kept walking, heading towards the stairs, ready to go to bed. I quickly stopped him and asked, “Did you look?” He replied unenthusiastically, “Yeah.” So I followed up again with, “Did you actually look? I think it’s very fitting for you.” Clearly not picking up on my clues he responds, “Yes, but I prefer Stewart’s.” Annoyed and no longer able to keep it in I pulled out the positive test from the kitchen drawer and put it on the counter. He looked down and instantly a smile appeared as he processed this new information.

I still bug him to this day that he didn’t get my clever way of telling him. After spending many hours searching the city for the perfect item, my cute way of sharing our news was completely lost on him. I could have saved both time and gas by just giving him the stick in the first place but I suppose it was the thought that counts!